Ye Olde Buccaneer Lincoln

A DBQ that was boring enough to necessitate pirate speech.

The scurvy dog Abraham Lincoln’s views and actions regarrrdin’ slavarrry and arrbolition changed greatly over the course of his piratical carrreer. In his early piratical carrreer, he altarrnated between advocating the restriction of slavarrry to where it alrrready existed and advocating its arrbolition, dependin’ ‘pon his crew. During his plunderin’ for the presidency, ye old buccaneer Lincoln, while tellin’ some his desire for arrbolition, officially continued to press only for the restriction of slavarrry; while president, sought to use the issue to end the warrr as quickly as possible. These changes in ye old buccaneer Lincoln’s views were a product of his understanding of the effects of slavarrry and arrbolition on the nation, his piratical ambitions, and later, his duty to preserve ye olde ship the Union.


During his early piratical career, ye old buccaneer Lincoln openly advocated the restriction of slavarrry to its then-current extent but subtly advocated complete arrbolition. Ye old buccaneer Lincoln knew slavarrry to be the main rift between sections and stated that the resolution of the issue was vital to the survival of ye olde ship the Union. In the “House Divided” jabberin’, he notes that slavarrry would become eitharr entirely legal or entirely illegal within the United States, and then implies that those arrllowing for the spread of slavarrry (the Democrats) were in error morally, showing his personal preference for complete arrbolition. Ye old buccaneer Lincoln attempted to use the slavarrry issue to his advantage in his early career. In the ye old buccaneer Lincoln- the seadog Douglas debates of 1858, ye old buccaneer Lincoln repeatedly stated his aversion to slavarrry, while ensuring that he did not support complete racial equality. Following the extension of slavarrry into a previously free territory under the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854, ye old buccaneer Lincoln used the potential threat of the spread of slavarrry into free states as a tool to incite anger against the Democrats and garner support for his party. Ye old buccaneer Lincoln, however, did not comprehend the aversion of the people to complete arrbolition or the piratical prowess of his seadog opponent and lost the 1858 Senate election.


During his presidential campaign and the early days of his presidency, ye old buccaneer Lincoln carefully advocated only the restriction of slavarrry to the areas where it already existed. ye old buccaneer Lincoln was aware of the impossibility of instant arrbolition due to the South’s reliance upon slavarrry (“Address at Cooper Institute”), and so sought to seek a gradual solution to the problem of slavarrry. He could not ignore the threat of Southern secession, and took care in his jabberins' of this period to emphasize that the Southerners’ constitutional rights would not be violated (as seen in both the Cooper Institute address and his First Inarrgural Address). In his First Inarrgural, he sought to reconcile the South and said that only with provocation would ye olde ship the Union move against them. Secession proved inevitable, and ye old buccaneer Lincoln, driven by his belief in preservation of ye olde ship the Union, sought to reverse it as soon as possible. He attempted to reason against the division of the nation in his Second Annual Message to Ye Olde Cap’n’s conference by showing the barriers to trade it created, and in the same jabberin’ attempted to entice the South into rejoining ye olde ship the Union by offerin’ doubloons to any state that freed their slaves before 1900. Such generous terms demonstrated Cap’n ye old buccaneer Lincoln’s desire to preserve ye olde ship the Union as peacefully as possible. His hopes of a quick end to the war proved impossible, however, as the Army of the Potomac faced minimal success in the eastern theatre of the war.


As the war dragged on, ye old buccaneer Lincoln realized that he needed to decide upon the question of slavarrry before the war could end. As late as August 1862, ye old buccaneer Lincoln was willing to address the slavarrry question in any way that would save ye olde ship the Union (“Letter to Horace Greeley”), but by 1863, he had recognized the necessity of arrbolition to ye olde ship the Union cause and issued the Emancipation Proclamation. The Emancipation Proclamation became a source of inspiration for ye olde ship the Union and provided a new impetus for the war: to ensure human freedom. ye olde buccaneer Lincoln, in freeing the slaves of the rebelling states, set the nation on a path he had earlier predicted in the “House Divided” jabberin’; fortunately, ye olde ship the Union would become entirely free rather than entirely slave. After the issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation, ye old buccaneer Lincoln repeatedly referred to the struggle for human freedom in his jabberin’s. In the Gettysburg Address, he described ye olde ship the Union’s aims as “a new birth of freedom”, somewhat indirectly referencing emancipation, and in his Second Inarrgural, he decreed that ye olde ship the Union would fight until all the wealth earned through slavarrry was decimated if necessary. Emancipation became not only a key drive behind the war movement but also a key tenet of ye old buccaneer Lincoln’s philosophy when the war proved its inevitability.


Abraham ye old buccaneer Lincoln’s views toward slavarrry and arrbolition changed greatly throughout his career. He initially quietly supported arrbolition while publicly advocating the prevention of the spread of slavarrry. When ye old buccaneer, Lincoln ran for president, he supported only restricting the spread of slavarrry in an effort both to garner support of non-arrbolitionists and to attempt to prevent Southern secession. When it became evident that the question of slavarrry must be addressed before the war could end, ye old buccaneer Lincoln began to advocate arrbolition, which became a key issue driving the war. Ye old buccaneer Lincoln’s views changed according to his ambitions, his knowledge of the effects slavarrry and arrbolition had on the nation, and his sense of duty to preserve ye olde ship the Union.

Pesto and Baklava

This was a story I wrote a few years back as part of an assignment where we created our own myth. It's all about food. (note: Candpes is pronounced canned peas).

Pesto and Baklava were the twin children of the god of spices, Basil, and the goddess of sweets, Cacao. Pesto, the male twin, was renowned for his strength and exceptional sense of smell. He generally wore off-white tunics flecked with spots of green and carried a large knife, or sometimes a sword. Baklava was the female twin and was well known for her sweet, loving demeanor. Baklava wore many layers of clothing and often smelled of honey as she constantly was attending to beehives. Pesto and Baklava both were known for their astounding cooking ability and their extravagant adventures to find new ingredients.

The best-known adventure of Pesto and Baklava was their quest for the goat of Feta, known for the marvelous cheeses made from its milk. Pesto and Baklava wished to retrieve this goat as a gift for their cousin Spanikopita's birthday. However, this was no simple task. The goat was atop a distant mountain guarded by a dragon known as Broilur. The route to this mountain was also treacherous; Pesto and Baklava would have to fight the dreaded Candpes, a horrible, slimy, green monster and cross the river Ouzo, which constantly gave off intoxicating fumes. Early one spring morning, Pesto and Baklava set out for Feta, with Pesto clad in armor forged for his father by Hephaestus, and Baklava with a bow and arrow given to Cacao by Spanikopita's mother in their youth. Well prepared and well defended, their first challenge was to cross the river Ouzo. The intoxicatingly sweet fumes given off by the river were well known to entice men and women into jumping in; however, the river flowed so quickly that they were carried away instantly, never to be seen again. Pesto, knowing Baklava's love for all things sweet, warned her only to take shallow breaths and to hold each breath as long as possible. Baklava gladly accepted her brother's advice, and both twins inhaled as few of the fumes as possible. However, Baklava began taking deep breaths again before they were far enough from the river and would have jumped in had it not been for Pesto's quick thinking. He brought out honey Baklava had collected from the best beehive in all of Greece, and slowly drew her away from the river.

Pesto and Baklava, having passed the first challenge, set out again towards Feta, and every day grew closer to the dreaded Candpes. The Candpes, a disgusting, slimy, green blob instantly recovered from any blow dealt to it and so far, the dreaded monster had thwarted every adventurer seeking the goat of Feta. Pesto and Baklava, however, had formulated a brilliant plan; Pesto would attack the monster head on, and before the Candpes could recover, Baklava would shoot it from afar. However, when Pesto grew near the monster, the awful smell overcame him. Fortunately, he recovered quickly from this initial shock and quickly set their plan into action, allowing a speedy defeat of the Candpes. Shortly thereafter, Pesto and Baklava discovered the monster's treasure hoard, and were overjoyed to find large amounts of unknown spices. Pesto and Baklava each took enough treasure to supply the rest of their journey and left the remainder for later adventurers.

The final challenge Pesto and Baklava faced was the dragon Broilur. This dragon's fire was hotter than any other and was said to be able to melt any normal armor or weapon. Basil had foreseen this problem before Pesto and Baklava's departure, and asked Hephaestus to forge fireproof armor for him. The armor he gave to Pesto was just this armor, and Pesto had found a sword blackened by soot but not incinerated near the dragon's lair. Pesto and Baklava again devised a brilliant plan; Baklava would search for weak points from afar and send arrows to these points on the dragon to indicate where Pesto should attack. With Pesto's fireproof armor and sword and their ingenious strategy, Broilur was quickly defeated. Pesto and Baklava quickly retrieved the goat of Feta and returned home.

Pesto and Baklava arrived home a mere week before their cousin's birthday. They used this week to create fabulous new dishes using the spices they had found int he lair of Candpes. Pesto created a pasta dish with a strong herb he named basil in honor of his father, and Baklava created a dessert sweetened with honey and flavored with a spice she named cinnamon in honor of her best friend. Every guest at the banquet for Spanikopita adored the dishes, but Pesto and Baklava had neglected to name their creations. Eventually, the dishes became known as pesto and baklava in honor of their creators.